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After extensive contract negotiations, the Mighty Pirates organization is extremely pleased to welcome back Howie for another season of insightful, amusing, and extremely addictive commentary! Yes, Howie tells it like it is!

You'll find links to each and every Howie Report right here after each game.

A Lesson in Sportsmanship? To the A.K. Wheezers, Winning Isn't Everything — It's the Only Thing!
2004-10-18: Mighty Pirates 2 at AK Wheezers 9

The Mighty Pirates enjoyed a number of significant milestones at last Monday night's first meeting of the season with the A.K. Wheezers at RINX 3 at 10:00 p.m. Unfortunately, one of the things the Pirates did not enjoy was the score, which was 9-2 in favour of the other team, and another thing that they did not enjoy was the stunning level of unsportsmanlike conduct on the other side. Contrary to what their team name would suggest (A.K. being an abbreviation for the Yiddish phrase "alte kaker," roughly translated as "old fart"), these guys seem to have been so desperate to chalk up their first victory of the season at any cost that they recruited at least one and perhaps as many as three underage players to carry the puck for them. As our intrepid on-ice reporter noted, as a result of this strategy, a significant number of the 23 people listed on the A.K. Wheezer roster never had a chance to touch the puck, let alone participate in the game other than as observers.

The amazing thing about these guys was that they demonstrated not an iota of embarrassment about their conduct. When the TNHC rule explicitly limiting players to 19 years of age or older was pointed out to one of their players after the game, his response was, "Heck, we have had 18 year olds on the team for many years" and "They must have changed the rules recently." Pretty weak, eh?

And when one player, known to your reporter as being 17 years old, was questioned on the ice as to his age, he replied that he was 18! This same player, interestingly enough, was reported to have also tried out recently for a local house select team, where he represented himself as 16! He is clearly addicted to playing hockey at any cost, and also significantly uninterested in the notion of truth and integrity.

But what about the attitude? With the score at 6-1 and 2:16 seconds left to play, these guys continued to press their advantage to score yet again, and even put another one away with 1:07 left, after the Pirates had given every indication that they did not intend to participate in the farce any longer.

Suffice it to say, and as you all know, the Pirates' team representative has launched a protest to True North Hockey via the usual channels, and has been met with a resounding silence in response. We shall see what if anything is done about it. As was wisely pointed out by one of the cooler heads on the team, we do need to find the appropriate balance between noting the flagrant violation of TNHC rules and becoming the whiningest team in the division, with a litany of complaints every time the score does not go our way.

Well, now that I have gotten that off my chest, let's talk about the game itself. The team was in high spirits in the locker room before the game, and why not? The boys, wearing black, were going to put out the entire roster for the first time this season, welcoming back both the knee-plagued Rob Kwinter and Blair Dimock for a field trial of their rested bodies. Matthew Lella stood between the pipes; Blair Dimock and Jim Butler, Todd Kitchen and Les Klein, and Richard Bingham and Rob Kwinter were on defense; Mark Sager and Auby Mandell, Jim Jezioranski and Dave Turner, and Shaun Leggett and Vito Mola played on the wings, and Jonathan Gallivan, John Mutch and Nick Perri took center.

The excitement was almost instant, as Jim Jezioranski and Jonathan Gallivan concocted a set play right before the puck was dropped, with Jonathan pushing the puck forward rather than drawing it back, Jimmy picking it up and driving it past a dazed Wheezer goalie just 9 seconds into the game, setting a new all-time Pirate record for the quickest goal in a game!

After that, the kiddie squad took over for the Wheezers, and they proceeded to dipsy-doodle, razzle-dazzle and showboat their way all over the ice, demonstrating a gluttony for rubbing in their outsized skill level on a rink where they had no business playing. They racked up three goals in each period, with the two youngest players responsible for or involved with 6 of the 9 goals. The fact that they did not belong was clearly demonstrated by black tape numbers like "1" and "111" hanging from their random jerseys in an attempt to look like a team. The fact that one of the older members of the team could not even recognize them before the game indicated the depth to which they were willing to go to use ringers in order to win a game. To this reporter's mind, if they would have just said that they wanted a victory at any cost (including violating rules willy-nilly), the Pirates would have given them the W and then played a game with those players who actually belong in the True North Hockey Monday Night Dry Division! The score might have been a bit closer, and the atmosphere on the ice more collegial.

Actually, Howie would like to commend the Pirates for keeping their cool throughout the debacle (unlike yours truly), and resisting the temptation, strong as it may have been, to seek revenge for the thoughtlessness of the other team. We played like Pirates, and focused on the positive, without letting the negative get in the way.

So I say, let's move on! Next Monday, the Pirates face the Venom at 9:10 at RINX 2. Let's go out and have some fun. And bring a fan if you can!

GO PIRATES!!! VIVA LOS PIRATAS!!!

Howie

PS The public has been clamoring for a report on the Pirate Golf Day (anathema as that may be to MP management and training staff) – I would urge a participant and/or organizer to submit an article to PirateHockey.ca for publication to the world.